The Road to Honor

"The Road to Honor" by Lori Jo Kemperwonderful project we did together, I realize we
MBA,CPC, MIC, PCI Certified Parentare guilty as charged. In our zeal, and the fun of
Coach™ The Parentingthe journey together, we got carried away. We
PathÂ(R), Parent Coaching and Parentingcrossed the line. I know we had too much of our
Educationwork in it. Even though I know we did not boss
I have had something on my mind lately. Ithim around about it, or control it exactly, we
surfaced again today, as I sat having coffee withwere far too much of an influence on him. It
a good friend, whose son is the same age as myturned out to be an awesome project - fun for all
high school senior. As we discussed our two sonsof us. That would have been fine for a family
and their efforts as they apply to colleges, mynight activity or something like that. However,
friend shared with me a conversation she hadsince this was for his school project, what could
with a couple of other parents over the weekend.we have done that would have been better?
It is no secret that the college application processActually, we help our children the most when we
has become quite competitive for kids today.help them answer their own questions themselves
Apparently, the parents she was talking towhen possible. A good way to do that is to
mentioned how grueling the college applicationrephrase their question and turn it back over to
process is also. They shared with her that thethem in the form of a question. This helps them
Dad wrote a college essay for his son - certainget clarity, think for themselves and problem
that his son would not get in unless the essaysolve. For example, in the case of the shell
was superb.project, if our son did not have a clue where to
Has it really come to this in our world? Parentsbegin, as a first grader with a pile of shells, and he
are writing their children's college applicationexpressed that, a question along the lines of,
essays? I just can't believe it. These parents have"Well, I imagine you want to show the shells to
graduate degrees in college. (I choose not toeveryone in your class. How do you suppose you
disclose their professions). Their child is a goodcould do that?" would be helpful. This allows them
student, also.to think and create, yet guides them a little. Of
Our coffee conversation today led to an area ofcourse many kids will know exactly what they
parenting that I believe needs additional focus. Inwant to do, from beginning to end. In this case,
fact, the conversation took the two of us waythe ways we can help most are not to edit the
back to our kids' school projects of the earlyproject. If they are excited about it and they are
years of elementary school. We reminisced abouthappy with it - parents support their children the
the line parents walk as they support their childrenmost by honoring them for who they are as little
in turning in a good project, without getting overlybeings and encouraging them for their own work.
involved themselves.This brings up a situation where parents may
Many well meaning parents, with hearts in goodchime in a bit. If a parent observes the child has
places, end up helping their kids to the point thatmissed the mark pertaining to the directions for
the project is the best because it is no longer thethe assignment or project, then, by all means,
work of a child that age. How can kids competedirect your child's attention to the fact. A good
with adults, at any age? In the case of collegeway to do so would be to let them identify how
applications being written by PHD parents forthey missed something themselves, by redirecting
example? (though the current TV show calledtheir attention to the instructions. "Mike, you have
"Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" diffusesworked hard on this, but I am wondering if you
this topic a bit.)have fully completed the assignment, based on
My friend recollected the 4th grade science fairthe directions you received.", or "You may want
that both our boys were in at their Christianto check the assignment directions again to make
school. It was very evident that some of thesure you are on target". Sometimes, a child may
projects were over the top in many ways - thebe so glad to be done with their project that they
display, the content, the reporting, etc. You getmay need to be instructed to double check the
the drift. I am talking about situations where theinstructions because they don't ant to check the
child may not have done all his own work, notinstructions. They want to be done. These are
jealousy of parents - which is another subjectsome ways parents may nurture and grow their
altogether.children to be people of good character, with
I also remembered the Cub Scout Derby Cargood critical thinking skills. Learning to follow
Races. Oh boy, don't even get me started. Manydirections is important. Parents should be guiding
well-meaning Dads made sure their sons ended uptheir children in the home in this area.
with a car of their dreams - I'll bet you thought IParents may be very helpful to their children and
meant the child's dreams. I say this with a smiletheir studies. The key is not to be doing their
because many Dads and sons have a good timework for them, in any way. It si one thing to help
with this project.to edit a school reprt, or a college application. It is
As a parenting coach and a parent, I want to giveanother to write some of it for them, or in the
a shout out to parents everywhere on this topic.case of the parents above - all of it. These are
I want to give a little nudge, a gentle reminder, toserious life lessons for kids.
stop these incessant efforts of parents to makeThe real concern here is the crumbling of integrity
their children's world perfect, sure that if theirand honor in our culture, as parents succumb to
project isn't the best they will be affected lifeclimbing over others to get their kids to the top,
long.whether it is a 4th grade science fair or a college
Instead, I wish to encourage them to help theirapplication. The obvious question is, "What is this
children be the best that they can be. This isteaching the children about honor, character, and
when we are truly helping our children the most.integrity?"
This means not caving into the desire to makeI believe parents need to be encouraged to
sure your child is the best, does the best, andbelieve in their children and in God's plans for
turns in the best. It is encouraging parents to seethem. I would rather have my son submit his own
that their child's best is good enough. This helpsessay for a college application, and get in on his
our children learn that their best efforts areown merits. If he did not get accepted, it would
always good enough, even if theirs is not thebe OK because I believe God has better plans for
winner. They will take pride in their work and theyhim anyway. That is what we have taught him all
should.of his life.
Don't get me wrong. Oh, how we have beenI think we need to redefine failure once and for all
caught up in that ourselves as parents, myas a culture. Have you heard the saying that the
husband and I. I remember when our oldest had afailure is not in not winning, it is in not trying?
1st grade project due for science. We were goingMay we focus on helping our kids be their best,
to be on a vacation in Florida prior to the projectnot measured against anyone or anything else but
due date. On Sanibel Island, we collected the mostthemselves. We can do that by accepting them
wonderful array of shells, which led our son toand their work, just the way they are. Even if
decide to do his project on the shells. Oh boy -that means their shell project consists of shells
we got them soaked in bleach water and driedthat are glued to the bottom of the inside of a
before packing for home. We got home and gotbox. (This was a logical way to do it according to
the poster boards, and the markers out. Boy didour first grader, so the box would catch them if
we help him as we got library books on shells andthey fell off of the glue, and they would not
even got on the computer to get information. Webreak then. But oh no, we had to talk him into
had even taken pictures of live sea critters thatusing poster board, for a better display...) Wishing
we could not bring home, like a couple of differentall parents many boxes of shells! And smiles. And
kinds of crab species, a hermit crab, and a livejoy in their children's work.
starfish! SO we helped him add those to his_____
project. By the time he was done with it, he hadLori Jo Kemper is a PCI Certified Parenting
a fantastic project! It had many different andCoachÂ(R) and speaker.
interesting shells taped and glued on the posterCopyrighted 2007
board, with identification labels and other pertinentLearn more about Lori at The Parenting
information for each one. Why, it was a darnPathÂ(R).
masterpiece! As I think back on that fun and