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How To Impress Girls - Or Maybe Not

Somewhere around the summer between my spelling of some word or to double check
5th and 6ths grade years at EV Cain on our homework assignment. We knew girls
Elementary School a girl named Rhonda were different, but we didn't give much
moved from Grass Valley to Auburn, and thought to how they differed, except that
there was something about her that they threw a baseball funny and used two
fascinated me. I saw her sometimes during hands to shoot a basketball (even a lay
the summer, going to the show with other up!), and they ran "like girls".Except
girls, or shopping downtown with her Linda Polameri.She threw a ball the right
Mother. She was intriguing to me for some way, ran like a boy, and nobody would
reason. I can't think of that reason now, have bet against her in a fair fight. The
but I wanted to meet her, or to do reason I know that is because she once
something, anything, so she would notice got very angry with me in class after I
me. Once I saw her at the town park up by beat her in a class election, and
the Recreation Field, and since I was a challenged me to a fight afterward.
fast runner in those days, I thought I (Election of class officers was held
might show her how swift I was, and twice a year, as I recall, and students
thereby impress her with my speed. I had pretty much voted by sex; the girls voted
just seen a Superman movie, and was for whatever girl was running, and the
impressed with the whole idea of speed, boys voted for whatever boy was running.
and thought she might be too. She was The only reason I ran was because no
sitting on the lawn with a couple other other boy wanted to run.) By last period,
girls I knew, and I wished that they the entire class had heard about the
would go away so I could impress her fight, taken sides, and some were even
without them saying something like making bets. I guess what bothered me the
"that's only Duane," or some other dumb most was that even the boys who were
thing girls said back in those days.I rooting for me in the fight were betting
waited for probably a half-hour or more against me. Even my best friend, Jack
for my opportunity. Her friends didn't Stephens, who was as small as I was, only
budge. But I spotted a beagle running plumper, had bet his entire Friday's
lickity-split in her general direction, lunch money against me.Fortunately for
and I thought, "if she sees me running me, Mr. Ryan got wind of the fight, too,
faster than that dog, she'll really be and appeared after school behind the
impressed with me!" So I took out at an Quonset hut; the very spot previously
angle, until I was about parallel with appointed for the fight. When the other
the dog, and we zoomed side by side kids saw him, they retreated awkwardly,
within a few feet of the girls and on to and made their way toward the playground
wherever the dog was headed. Before I got and on home. Linda seemed disappointed
out of earshot I heard her ask "who is that the scheduled fight had been
the dumb kid with the cute dog?" My heart cancelled, but left with the others, not
sank, but my feet ran on. The dog seemed wanting to get in trouble with Mr. Ryan,
to know where he was going, but I didn't a fair but tough teacher who had been a
and within seconds I found myself sliding career officer in the Marines before he
on my back across a freshly watered became a teacher. When everyone was gone,
section of lawn. As I slid to a stop, the I crawled out from under the Quonset hut
dog turned back, gave me a curious look, where I had been hiding, and skipped
and licked my face as if to say, "Are you home, celebrating my reprieve.Luckily,
OK?" I couldn't bear looking back to see Linda didn't hold a grudge, and the next
if Rhonda was watching, but I heard the day at school she asked me if I wanted to
girls giggling, so I was sure she saw the shake and make up.I did.So we did.And
entire show.Later that same summer I was that was the inauspicious start of my
walking on the sidewalk in front of the first romance. Any girl who would shake
Auburn Post Office where my Dad worked, and make up, to say nothing of running
when I spotted her coming out of the Post and throwing right, was worth my
Office lobby. She looked so pretty in her attention. It started out slowly, by a
curly, bouncy hair, pink blouse and pedal quick meeting of our eyes during history
pushers, that again I felt the surge of class, then sending notes back and forth
desire coming over me to impress her. I during social studies, and climaxing in
spotted a magnificent Schwinn bicycle my request to change seats with John
parked by the curb; a bike far more Towers so I could sit next to her. That
expensive than I could ever hope to own, was fine with John, who was tired of
and since I was just a few feet from it passing our notes back and forth by now.
at the time, I kind of casually stepped That was the first time in my entire life
over to it and put one hand on the handle that I had ever knowingly and willingly
bars, like I was just resting after a taken a seat next to a girl, and
long ride through the foothills of the surprisingly, it felt kind of good, in an
Sierras. To my great surprise, she DID embarrassing sort of way.She liked me for
notice me, and in fact walked directly approximately the same reasons, I
toward me. When she was no more than a suspect. I ran fast, threw a baseball
foot away from me she asked, "OK, what like I knew what I was doing, and was
are you doing with my bike?"I mumbled pretty fair at the one-handed set shot.
something about being sorry I had Then too, I was a boy, and it was a
mistaken her bike for mine, and she novelty for a boy to pay that much
mumbled something with the word "stupid" attention to a girl at 11 years of
in it, and that was the end of that. She age.That spring was wonderful. Seeing
never did notice me after that, and I Linda every day at school; overhearing
guess it's just as well. I understand she other girls whisper about us "going
went on to become a very successful together" in the cloakroom; and seeing a
waitress in old town Auburn.Now that I've newfound admiration in the eyes of some
been married for more years than I care of my male friends. I used to lie awake
to mention, I've given up the idea of at night and dream of Linda and I both
trying to impress her. Oh, when I'm back making the Yankees; she at shortstop and
in town and drive by the Cozy Spot Cafe me in centerfield, winking at each other
where she works, I'm always tempted to go between plays. I always out hit her in my
in and somehow let her know that the boy daydreams, probably to make up for the
she scorned grew up to be a writer. But fact that she always out hit me in real
about the time I start to pull in, my 7th grade baseball games. It just didn't
mind goes back to my first two attempts seem right for her to be THAT good. And
at impressing her, and I visualize myself we were tied for stolen bases, too, in my
telling her about all the books I have daydreams, right up to the last game of
written, and in my mind, she responds by the season, when I stole 5 bases in one
sarcastically asking if I write about inning, breaking Ty Cobb's record (of
dogs and stolen bikes, and so I change my course that was long before Maury Wills,
mind, and drive on.Of course, I knew lots Ricky Henderson, etc.) and putting me 1
of other girls as I was growing up, and I ahead of Linda, who only stole 4 bases
suppose I had a normal amount of that same inning.Our 7th grade formal
curiosity about them that any young guy dance was in late May, and Linda looked
had. Roy Poindexter, a 5th grader, told a forward to it excitedly, talking a great
bunch of us 4th grade boys that the way deal about it, and hinting that she would
to tell the difference between boys and dance only with me. I was greatly
girls was to tape a small mirror to the flattered on the one hand, and worried on
toe of one shoe, then walk casually up to the other since I didn't know how to
a girl and engage her in conversation, dance.I needn't have worried, however.A
and simply place the foot with the mirror kid named Chip Bonanno from New Jersey
on it between the girl's feet. Then while moved to Auburn three days before the
she was talking, we would simply glance dance. He was handsome, looked much older
down and get a glimpse of whatever was than the rest of us boys, had big biceps
hiding under her skirt.Roy spoke with the which he showed off in cut-off T-shirts,
suave confidence of one who had done it and spoke with not only a voice which had
many times. In retrospect, I remember his already changed to bass, but also with
Mom was a manager of women's the smooth sophistication of a city boy
undergarments at J.C. Penny's, so he who knew all about cars, girls, and the
probably honed his craft by practicing on ways of the world. Linda and every other
the mannequins after hours. Despite his girl in the 7th grade fell in love with
bragging, I have serious reservations as him instantly, and since Linda was the
to whether he ever tried it on a real, only girl in the 7th grade with a
live girl, who would have to be both boyfriend, she was the one he chose.She
blind and stupid to stand still for such danced every dance with Chip at the
an obvious ploy.But Billy Roberts formal, and as far as I knew, did not
believed him, and announced that he was distinguish me from the furniture. I was
going to try it the next day at school. crushed, of course, and spent most of my
Instead of the scenario turning out the time looking as sad as possible, in hopes
way Roy predicted, the moment Billy that she would notice me and feel sorry
walked on the playground Wanda Johannson for me and leave Chip and come back to
spotted the mirror, and yelled at him me.It didn't work. She never looked.Duane
across the basketball court "Hey Billy! Shinn is the author of the popular free
What's that on your shoe?"So that was the 101-week online e-mail newsletter titled
end of that experiment.And with a few Amazing Secrets Of Exciting Piano Chords
notable exceptions, up until about the & Sizzling Chord Progressions -
7th grade girls were those "other things" Intelligent Piano Lessons For Adults
that we boys had no interest in and no Only!" with over 84,400 current
use for, unless it was to check the subscribers.




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